It came from a PR person who was pitching me a new product – A shirt. Yes, a shirt. Nothing special about the shirt, it was simply a new style from a new designer. But here’s what gets me: The subject line of the email was: “Hi! Can I borrow your audience?”

(Insert blogging-car-skidding-to-a-halt sound here…)

Can you borrow my… Hold up… WHAT?

Can you “BORROW MY AUDIENCE?”

Are you serious?

OK. Not even taking into account the fact that my audience… IS AN AUDIENCE, and not, say, A SPATULA, no, you can’t “borrow my audience.”

Let’s understand something – My audience is the most important thing to me in my world, next to my wife and cat. I’ve spent YEARS and YEARS cultivating my audience. I’ve spent countless nights figuring out what my audience wants, how they want it, and what they’re going to want next. I’d take a bullet for my audience.

Without my audience, I have no business, I have no revenue, I have nothing.

My audience is my life. And you want to come over and “borrow it?” I don’t know you! Why don’t l let  Michael Milken “borrow” my AmEx while I’m at it? I’m sure it’ll be fine.

You can’t borrow my audience – But you CAN build one of your own. Here’s how:

1) Understand that having an audience is a privilege, not a right. I say this all the time, and I’m saying it again – It’s like wearing spandex. That too, is a privilege, not a right. We’re born as free people with certain unalienable rights, but guess what – Having a bunch of people who will listen to you and buy from you is NOT one of them. You have to EARN that. Once you accept that you don’t just “get” an audience, like Jewish kids get a Bar-Mitzvah when they turn 13, the quicker you’ll start to understand how to get one.

2) An audience is built over time, and on one simple premise: Give them what they want. Audiences today are mobile. They can go anywhere, anytime, by clicking a mouse or scrolling off your site. Want them to listen to you, or even more, buy from you? Give them what they want, how they want it. They on Facebook? Reach out to them there. They like emailing you? Email them back. And for God’s sake, do it from an email that’s real – Like yours. Not “donotreply@I’manidiot.com”

3) How do you find out where the audience is? ASK THEM. You have their information! Try this! Go to your fan page and ask the question – “Hey – How do you like to be contacted by us when we have a special for you?” Then actually read the answers and act accordingly! This isn’t rocket science.

4) Have content that your audience actually WANTS. You know what would happen if I let every journalist “borrow” my audience to promote their crap? I wouldn’t have an audience! Why? Because audiences like people to STAY ON TOPIC. Imagine going to see Bon Jovi, and Jon Bon Jovi comes out and talks about tax shelters all night, and never plays “Living on a Prayer.” Not really what I paid for. Stay on topic – Had you, dear PR person, pitched me on topic about something relevant to my audience, I might have talked about it!

5) Finally, for all that’s good and holy, know what I talk about. That you pitched me on fashion is like pitching Britney Spears on child-safety. The simple act of knowing your audience will get you 5x the good attention you’d otherwise not get. Simply do some homework. There’s no excuse not to.

My audience? No. You can’t borrow it. Go get your own.

Realize – Email marketing without the right training is a way to screw up to a larger audience in a shorter amount of time. What’s so great about this merger is that you now have the tools to look at email as another marketing tool – not just something alone – In other words, you can use all of the Vocus tools – The Small Business Marketing Suite, to truly grow your business, in every facet available – email, publicity, social media, you name it. Vocus really has become the small business marketing source.

The best part about the acquisition is this – The entire Vocus family will be around to help you – Email, just like HARO and PRWeb, and all the other stars within the Vocus galaxy, is simply another way to market to your consumers. But, it needs to be done right. Got a question? Ask me. Let me help you before you send those emails out – Lest they come back to bite you. The rules are below – right below this video of me interviewing the CEO of Vocus about this exciting acquisition.

4) Stop assuming that if we’ve ever met, even once, I want to be added to every list you have. There’s a great scene in “King of the Hill,” where Peggy gets some guy’s email address at a party, and says “Well, Mr. john234@aol.com, prepare to be added to Peggy Hill’s Joke of the Day List!” You just know how annoying it is before you ever get one. Let people sign up for your list. DON’T sign them up yourself. It’s just bad.

3) Email is like really good Cumin. If you use too much of it, you’re going to ruin the dish. Email marketing isn’t to reach out and bother the customer every single day. It’s designed to create compelling content for the customer. This could be a special, a discount, or even a great story. Anything else can probably be done in a less intrusive way, like a blog post or a colooscopy.

2) I don’t know anyone named DONOTREPLY@YOURCOMPANY.COM. I’m also pretty sure I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone who puts “THIS EMAIL ISN’T MONITORED, PLEASE DON’T REPLY” as the last line in their email. You’re earning the privilege to email your audience. Be a human being when you do it.

1) Much like a bad relationship, or a bad breakfast burrito, know when it’s time to part ways. Make it easy to leave, with one click. (Anything other than that is considered SPAM) – It’s awesome to be able to grow your list – But it’s just as good to be able to let people leave when they want to – Because I guarantee this – If I can’t unsubscribe from you, the world is going to hear about it – And it won’t be pleasant. One click, one away. Make that the rule you live by in email marketing.

Bonus – Do you use Auto-Responder emails? Chances are, you’re using them wrong, too. Here’s how not to.

Give me some other ideas that work for you on email marketing in the comments below! Best comment wins a free press release from PRWeb.

Example: In the 50s, you’d drive into a gas station, and four uniformed attendants would rush over, each handling a different chore, from checking your oil, to pumping your gas, to cleaning your windows, and other basic automobile tasks. It was simply what was done. Can you imagine that? Four guys, waiting for you to drive in, and actually running to service you? I was driving to Atlantic City last week to give a speech, and stopped in to get gas. Because New Jersey is one of the few states where it’s illegal for a driver to pump his own gas (anyone know the actual reason why? I don’t…) an attendant came over. While the gas was pumping, she actually squeegeed my front window clean, on her own, proactively! I was so shocked that I gave her a tip! I can’t remember that ever happening to me before. But in the 50s, it was standard. For countless reasons that are irrelevant to this story, standards have lowered. They’ve lowered by a lot. And with them, so have our expectations. Whether it be for a multimillion dollar corporate buy on which we sign off, or for a salad where all we ask is for the dressing to be on the side, our expectations have dropped along with the standards for customer service. The worst part, without question, is that they’ve dropped to levels well below “ok” or “fair” or “average.” Our typical expectation for a customer service transaction starts at “poor,” and if we’re lucky, ends at “fair.”

It’s simply what we’ve become as a society. And yet, wonderfully, that’s actually good news for all of us reading this post!

See, since we have such low expectations of customer service, (and I know I’ve said this before, but it’s worth repeating…) It’s so incredibly easy to blow each and every one of your customers’ minds, and shock them into 100% loyalty, every single time you’re given the chance! All you have to do is simply treat each customer one level above “crap.” Amazingly, you don’t even have to be anywhere near “great, “awesome,” or “outstanding” to be different than the norm.  To be thought of as “good,” we just need to treat our customers one level above the normal expectation of crap. That’s it. Anything we do that goes above and beyond “one level above crap,” is so rare, and so unexpected, that if you do that, you can rule the world.

With that said, imagine my surprise tonight when I got an email from John Korff, the President of Korff Enterprises, otherwise know as the guy who runs the company that puts on the wildly popular New York City Triathlon every summer. John’s been producing this race since the very beginning, well over ten years ago, when it was ever so small – Now, it’s one of the yearly crown jewels of the NYC sports world, right up there with the NYC Marathon, and as of this coming August, the NYC Ironman Triathlon.

At first, I assumed it was a form letter, since I’d been accepted into my 8th NYC Triathlon, coming up this July. (Why so many? Because I’m an idiot who never learns, but that’s not the point.)

I double-clicked to find an actual email, from John himself, congratulating me for getting in again this year, and thanking me for doing my eighth one!

I was still pretty sure it was a form letter – CRM software can easily know those things – But I still thought it was a nice touch. Either way, I happened to be sitting in front of my computer when it came in, so I dropped a reply back almost immediately to John, thanking him for the note, and letting him know that I was also doing the NYC Ironman the next month. Didn’t expect a reply, since I still kinda thought it was an auto-email.

Two minutes later – “Wow, Peter – Both! You know, we call those who do the NYC Triathlon then the Ironman the next month “Hudson Doublers!”

So it actually was him. At 6:55pm on a Tuesday night.

What made him email me? Was he looking for repeat “customers,” as it were? Those who’ve done his race more than once? If so, smart – Remember – it’s not cheap to race these races – Perhaps he realized that and wanted to let us know that our continued support of what he built hasn’t gone unnoticed. Perhaps he’s just that nice of a guy – Perhaps it was all planned out on a spreadsheet, and it was just my time to get that email?

It doesn’t matter. I’ve run a TON of races, all over the place, and this is the first time that any race director reached out to thank me, unprovoked, on his own. You can damn well bet I’m going to race his race every year, as long as my body will let me.

It’s those little things – What’s an email? It’s not a steak at an airport (not that there’s anything wrong with that, either) – But ironically, I think that’s the problem – That’s where the disconnect lies for the majority of businesses:

We’re tricked into believing that the best customer service can ONLY be achieved by these massive, over-the-top acts of grandeur – The airport steak – the “we’ll replace your car” – The types of customer service events that make the evening news and get blogged about.

THAT IS WRONG!

I offer you this: (shrunk, for your Tweeting ease:) The best acts of customer service are the tiny things that reinforce the customer’s loyalty. They can be done daily, usually without any cost, and can foster customer retention, increase customer satisfaction, and yes, even grow your customer base by increasing word of mouth, through social media and other platforms. In other words: If you focus on the little things, your company will benefit, customers and clients will increase, and most importantly, REVENUE WILL RISE.

Don’t stop trying to create that one “massive” customer service story that goes viral and winds up on CNN. Never stop trying to do that, because you never know when it might happen. BUT – Spend more time focusing on the little things – The “thank you” when the customer walks in. The unexpected “we’re glad you’re still with us” email. The phone call to your favorite customer, letting them know that you were reading some article, and it told you to think of your favorite customer then call them to thank them for being just that. (I LOVE this one, I’ve recommended it countless times.)

An old friend and colleague who used to be a journalist once told me this story. His first editor gave him one piece of advice: “Be brilliant at the basics.” He was right. Let’s focus on the basics first. You’ll be surprised how much of your marketing and PR your customers will do FOR you, once you master the basics, and come out one step above the norm.

As always, I’d love your thoughts below in the comments. Thanks for reading! :)

So I was more than bummed to find an email today from my local dealership, which I shall reprint for you below in its entirety, sans the person’s phone number and email address. Bolding, grammar errors and the like, all theirs.

To: peter @shan…..com

From: Steve C…, Infiniti of Manhattan

Subject: NO SUBJECT

Hello, Mr./Ms. Peter Shankman .

My Name is Steve C… from INFINITI emailing about your 2008/INFINITI Fx35 X AWD lease… I am showing that you have 6 payments remaining on your lease I want to help you transition into your next car as smoothly as possible and avoid or minimize any fees for excessive wear and tear, glass damage, tire wear, excess mileage, or any other expenses that may be due according to the terms of the lease We have found the best step at this point is to schedule a complimentary vehicle inspection and equity review to examine which items that you may be able to take care of in advance at a cost that would be lower than the fees charged for those same items by the lease company. Additionally, we can evaluate whether or not it would make sense to get out of the car early and take advantage of any special programs that you might be entitled to on a replacement car.

If you are interested please Call me

1212 399 xxxx or shoot me an email @S….@infinitiofmanhattan.com

OK. So… Where do I even start?

First off, a few background points.

According to the website “Behind the Name,” Peter is, and has always been, a male name. I know I’ve never met a woman named “Peter,” and I can’t even imagine the creepiness factor if I did. (“Oh, Peter, you have a supple waistline!”)

If Steve at Infiniti had done even the most basic, basic, basic of homework, he would have discovered that not only am I male, but that I live (and I’m not exaggerating here,) eleven feet from the Infiniti dealership. My apartment is directly across the street from the dealership. They have my license (which, by the way, shows I’m male) and they have my address. I’m guessing Infiniti of Manhattan knows their own address, right?

See me? I'm waving to you!

So where do we begin?

A subject line would have been nice. The only reason this didn’t get ignored was because I was sitting at a cafe in Barcelona killing time, and looked at the email, as opposed to just sending it to SPAM had I not had the time. Didn’t recognize the name, and it came with “no subject.” Strikes one and two.

“Dear Mr/Mrs. Shankman”

OK, really? The most basic, hands down, 100% easiest rule of customer service and retention is to, if nothing else, know the sex of your customer. This is like, third grade. 99% of the time you can figure out the name from looking at it. The other 1%? Take half a second and look up my record. I’m already a customer! You have my info! Strike three.

Bolding specific terms in the email tells me one of two things: 1) You’re cutting and pasting, and 2) you’re cutting and pasting into a form letter. Strike four.

Note the lack of punctuation: “according to the terms of the lease We…” – Really? If you’re cutting and pasting a form letter, do you think you could at least take the time to make sure that the part that gets used in every single email has correct spelling and grammar? Come on. Strike five.

You notice he ends the email with his phone number and email. No goodbye, no “looking forward to speaking with you,” nothing. Just his phone number and email. The email is also proceeded by an @ sign, so my email client didn’t pick it up as a clickable link. “Call” in “call me” is capitalized for some reason. Strike six.

Had Steve done any homework, he could have put “Hey, you’re across the street – I can meet you at your garage and check out the car if it’s easier. But no. Not even a “Hope to hear from you.” Nothing – Just a phone number and email. That’s like me having several drinks with you at a bar then picking my stuff up and walking out, no goodbye, no hug, and expecting you to want to see me again. Strike seven.

So here’s the thing – I’m not blaming Steve. Why? Because he probably doesn’t know better. Why? Because Infiniti of Manhattan never taught him better. I’m blaming Infiniti for this abortion of customer retention. Really, Infiniti of Manhattan? If you want to get me to stay on as a customer, or probably more importantly to you, turn my lease in early so you can get me into a new car, you can start by doing the most generic of customer relations. Know the most basic things about me. Like I live across the street. Like I’m a male. It also wouldn’t hurt to know punctuation, and proper greetings and salutations. This isn’t Steve’s fault. This is Infiniti of Manhattan’s fault.

The irony is, yesterday, I tweeted that I was going to write this post, and got an almost immediate response from Infiniti on their Twitter account. So it’s obvious that Infiniti has the basics of marketing down, at least from a social aspect. Infiniti of Manhattan? Not so much. And by “so much,” I mean “at all.”

When it becomes all about selling the car, and not at all about basic common sense, it makes selling the car that much harder. Infiniti should know better. As should we all.