It’s sort of becoming a thing with me – If I’m doing TV, I need a cup of coffee. Fine, call it an addiction, if you need to.

So… Because what’s life, if not a branding effort, do you want your company’s logo on TV with me?

Just send me a coffee mug. Each time I do a segment, be it online or on TV, I’ll be drinking a cup of coffee out of a new mug. Got a cool one for your company? Let me see it!

Send it over to me, and be sure to wrap it really, really well! Include your email address in the package if you want me to notify you when it’s being used.

Send it over to:

The Geek Factory, Inc.
ATTN: Peter Shankman
601 W. 57th St.
30-E
New York, NY 10019

Sound like a plan? And don’t worry about sending me coffee – I’m a Tassimo junkie – I’ve got more than enough coffee. Now I just need some super-cool mugs to drink it from!

Assuming you want ALL THAT COVERAGE, as your boss has told you that you do, these are, without question, the top five ways to get it. Make sure you follow EVERY single rule here, and you’ll be well on your way to getting tons and tons of coverage!

1) Make sure to pitch completely and totally off-topic, with absolutely no regard to what the journalist covers. Hey, times are tight, right? They should be LOVING you for pitching them at all! They cover finance? Make sure to pitch them on a home entertainment system for 8-15 year olds. They’ll love you for it, and if they can’t use it, you know they’ll be happy to pitch it over to their friends who will write about it! Just make sure you put “and if you can’t use this, can you send it to the person at your outlet who can?” It’ll be the least they can do, they’ll be sure to help you out!

2) Don’t EVER believe the reporter when they tell you how they like to be contacted. They’re only doing that to TEST you! They say email? You say HOME PHONE! They say “No Attachments?” Please – You say “FIFTY MEGABYTE FILE TO THEIR BLACKBERRY!” Remember – They’re just testing you! They want to see how smart you are! Get around it!

3) FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP! You should start phoning the reporter (at home, preferably) no later than FORTY FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOUR INITIAL PITCH. Continue in two-hour increments, handing over the night-time duties to a subordinate – Remember – The squeaky wheel gets the grease – In this case, squeak every two hours until the reporter covers you.

4) If for some reason, the reporter has written a story about your industry and not included you, well… Let the mayhem begin! This reporter – Who does he think he is! Start with the angry emails – You’ve every right to get angry! Call him names – Best of all, threaten to go to his superior and threaten to pull all your client’s advertising from the media outlet. They’ll see the error of their ways RIGHT quick, and you’ll be in like Flynn! Don’t forget to cc your legal team, and say “our legal team is cc’d. We hope it doesn’t come to having to use them.” That’ll scare them right quick!

5) Finally, reporters LOVE a challenge – Make it TOTALLY difficult for reporters to find you – Don’t include your phone number OR a mobile phone. When you schedule interviews, make SURE to reschedule them at LEAST three times – Hey – The reporter has to understand that your client is a LOT busier than they are – They’re just going to have to rearrange their schedule for you – And they will – Remember – They want your story, and in the end, they work for You!

Just follow these five rules, and you’ll be rolling in story placements faster than you can say “PROMOTION!”

What other great ideas can you recommend that guarantee placement? Leave them below in the comments.

PS: If you’re really so stupid as to not realize this is complete and utter sarcasm, and you should NOT do anything listed above, close down your computer – You’re too stupid to be using the Internet.

I answer it, and find myself talking to some woman who claims to be the “head of Profnet,” who tells me that me that I’ve been stealing reporter queries and posting them on my Facebook Group.

That amused the hell out of me. Not only because I haven’t (that would defeat the whole purpose of my group, but hey, that’s logical, and you know to never expect logic from corporations,) but also because I thought the very cool Dan Forbush was still head of Profnet. So when I refer to this woman, imagine air-quotes each time I use the term “head of Profnet.”

Anyhow, my first reaction was “um, no I haven’t.”

“Well, we have proof that a Harry Potter query was word for word the exact same query on your Facebook group and also on a Profnet.

My second reaction was, “wait a second – if a reporter shoots me a query, then shoots the same query to Profnet, how exactly is that my fault?

To which the head of Profnet had no answer.

I explained to her that a) I’m doing this for the good karma value, b) I don’t make any money from it, and c) why the hell would I want to compete with Profnet, anyway? I’m kind of busy um… doing PR, speaking, writing books, you know… things like that.

To which the head of Profnet had no answer.

Here’s the funny thing: I have absolutely no beef with Profnet! I use the service, and find it valuable! All I’m doing is offering reporters another way to get sources on deadline! Fact is, I can reach my 900 or so people a hell of lot quicker than Profnet can reach their 50 billion or so people. So if that helps a reporter, why shouldn’t I do it? And more importantly, how is that “competing?”

Do you honestly think that anyone who’s a member of my group is going to say “Oh, well, now that I get Peter’s group emails once every few days, with maybe one or two requests in it, I’ll just cancel Profnet.”

Or… Does Profnet somehow secretly not want to help reporters? Huh. That’s a bit odd, wouldn’t you say? If that’s not the case, what are they afraid of?

Finally, to sort of punctuate her point, (in a completely unrelated way, apparently) she mentioned to me that the “solo practitioner’s rate” was going away, and I should expect, when my subscription is up in September of 2008, to be billed the full agency rate, of $3,500 per year.

To which I said, “won’t that piss off a lot of solo practitioners?”

To which the head of Profnet told me “Well, they’re such a small percentage of our business, it really won’t affect us.”

Huh.

So much for loyalty to your customer.

Never wanting to end anything on a bad note (except when I do,) I asked the head of Profnet if she was located in New York City, to which she said she was.

I said, “Well, why don’t you shoot me an email with your contact info – let me buy you a cup of coffee next week. It’d be nice to meet you,” I said.

To which the head of Profnet replied, “that sounds great. I’ll do that right now.”

24 hours later, a few tumbleweeds… some prairie dogs… no email. I’m still waiting.

But the prescription-strength Ibuprofen is working fine.