Assuming you want ALL THAT COVERAGE, as your boss has told you that you do, these are, without question, the top five ways to get it. Make sure you follow EVERY single rule here, and you’ll be well on your way to getting tons and tons of coverage!

1) Make sure to pitch completely and totally off-topic, with absolutely no regard to what the journalist covers. Hey, times are tight, right? They should be LOVING you for pitching them at all! They cover finance? Make sure to pitch them on a home entertainment system for 8-15 year olds. They’ll love you for it, and if they can’t use it, you know they’ll be happy to pitch it over to their friends who will write about it! Just make sure you put “and if you can’t use this, can you send it to the person at your outlet who can?” It’ll be the least they can do, they’ll be sure to help you out!

2) Don’t EVER believe the reporter when they tell you how they like to be contacted. They’re only doing that to TEST you! They say email? You say HOME PHONE! They say “No Attachments?” Please – You say “FIFTY MEGABYTE FILE TO THEIR BLACKBERRY!” Remember – They’re just testing you! They want to see how smart you are! Get around it!

3) FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP! You should start phoning the reporter (at home, preferably) no later than FORTY FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOUR INITIAL PITCH. Continue in two-hour increments, handing over the night-time duties to a subordinate – Remember – The squeaky wheel gets the grease – In this case, squeak every two hours until the reporter covers you.

4) If for some reason, the reporter has written a story about your industry and not included you, well… Let the mayhem begin! This reporter – Who does he think he is! Start with the angry emails – You’ve every right to get angry! Call him names – Best of all, threaten to go to his superior and threaten to pull all your client’s advertising from the media outlet. They’ll see the error of their ways RIGHT quick, and you’ll be in like Flynn! Don’t forget to cc your legal team, and say “our legal team is cc’d. We hope it doesn’t come to having to use them.” That’ll scare them right quick!

5) Finally, reporters LOVE a challenge – Make it TOTALLY difficult for reporters to find you – Don’t include your phone number OR a mobile phone. When you schedule interviews, make SURE to reschedule them at LEAST three times – Hey – The reporter has to understand that your client is a LOT busier than they are – They’re just going to have to rearrange their schedule for you – And they will – Remember – They want your story, and in the end, they work for You!

Just follow these five rules, and you’ll be rolling in story placements faster than you can say “PROMOTION!”

What other great ideas can you recommend that guarantee placement? Leave them below in the comments.

PS: If you’re really so stupid as to not realize this is complete and utter sarcasm, and you should NOT do anything listed above, close down your computer – You’re too stupid to be using the Internet.

Sitting outside the Huntington, LI Hilton, waiting to speak at the Long Island Public Relations Professionals breakfast this morning. “Breakfast” and “Driving to Long Island for” should never, ever be in the same sentence.

So this afternoon is the HARO “How to Pitch” Conference Call, at 2pm EST, 11am. We’ve got over 500 people registered, please join us, as well!

Tomorrow find me speaking at the Entrepreneurial Women’s Network in Norwalk, CT. Hey, it’s a great way to meet women! Kidding. That’ll be a fun lunch.

Of course, Thursday morning is the big one – my Keynote at the T3PR conference in Manhattan. Of course, I do notice that one of the key sponsors is PR Newswire. And I promise not to let that go unmentioned. :)

Just the week of Abstract Busy-ness.

Jenny Schmitt saw a pitch on HARO about fun father/daughter ideas that wouldn’t cause a “guy to get his guy card revoked.” Seeing that the reporter obviously had a sense of humor, Jenny crafted the perfect pitch, filling it with information, exactly what the reporter wanted, and topped it off with a touch of humor. I don’t know what the result is (Jenny, let us know!) but I just had to call this pitch out as one of the best I’ve seen in a while. Learn from this one, gang.

Here’s the query:

Summary: 5 Father/Daughter experiences

The goal is to deepen the father/daughter bond without being too girly.”

Now Jenny’s Pitch

Dear (Reporter’s name)

This is Jenny Schmitt and I work with Georgia State Parks (www.getoutdoorsgeorgia.org or www.georgiastateparks.org).  Dads can still “man up” and take their daughters on some amazing experiences in their own state parks.  Here in Georgia, men can bring their daughters to:
 
1) Tree-Climbing Clinics (technical tree climbing with ropes, helmets and that oh-so-comfy-for-guys harness)
2) Party with the Possum (night hikes with flashlights to see nocturnal animals)
3) Fort Days (cool cannon and musket firings, blacksmithing and lots of history lessons with a guided tour (Ga. has 18 historic sites and historic parks with LOTS of cannons))
4) For the eco-daughter a Leaf Watch Fall Hike (guided hike with a biologist/ecologist who shares the different trees, animals and the fun science behind fall colors)
5) Camping/fishing/boating/hiking and even golf at state parks (really, there is just about something for everyone, even those who hate bugs)
 
So Dad can keep his “Y” chromosome and still have a great time with his daughter. Cost: One time at a park $3-$5 admission, or buy an annual pass for $30 (most states it’s $30).  Cheap? You bet. Memorable? Absolutely.
 
Let me know if I can be of further help.  We’ve got photos aplenty and testimonials from Dad/daughter outings as well.
 
Be well,
Jenny Schmitt
(contact information)

Well done, Jenny. Take a bow.

4) Ask yourself how well you really know your clients: Every time I sign a new client, I sit with them over pizza (or whatever they want to eat, I usually make it pizza…) and ask them seemingly off-the-wall, off-topic questions. What do you do for fun? You fish? Got any kids? How old? Public school? Private? Are you married? For how long? Parents still alive? Belong to any civic organizations? Perform? Play an instrument? Any clubs?

See where I’m going with this? The more information I find out about each of my clients, the more potential I have to pitch them to reporters who might be doing stories that aren’t entirely up their professional alley, but fit them in a personal way – And when was the last time you ever had a client get angry for getting them, and their company name, into a major publication? If your client, in his or her spare time, is a rock-climber, or a master-Bass fisherman, or whatever, there are a ton more media opportunities out there. So go find out what your clients do when they’re not sitting at their desk, and then apply that to HARO requests, as well! I remember once getting a client into Cigar Aficionado magazine because the company CEO liked Cohibas!

3) Suggest story ideas to reporters! Too many times, publicists get shot down when pitching because the pitch is the same: “Cover my client, write a story about them.” This is obviously pointless.

But – Broaden the story! Make it about an industry, or about a specific way companies are starting to do things – Your company is still in the lead, but you can offer a “bigger” story. Then, recommend HARO to the journalist as a way to find additional leads for the story – That was you’re not just “handing” the journalist competitors to you or your client. “I notice that several companies are doing XYZ this year – I think it’s finally a trend. Of course, my client has been leading this charge since 2004, I’m happy to give you the CEO to chat with…” Story landed.

2) If you wait a few weeks until after the reporter who used HARO is done with their story to pitch something different, it’s not off-topic!

Off topic pitching only applies when a reporter issues a query and you reply with something completely NOT what they want at the time they don’t want it. If you wait and pitch them when they’re not insane with deadlines, “I noticed a few weeks ago you were looking for sources on A. Now that your deadline has passed, would it be ok if I sent you a pitch on A+b2? It’s similar, but different enough that it could warrant a separate story. Any interest?” That’s a good pitch!

1) Finally – the hands down, number one, no-questions-asked best way to get more relevant queries on HARO: TELL MORE REPORTERS ABOUT HARO! Fact is, a small fraction of the reporters out there in the world currently know about HARO. Simply tell more of them! Send an email out to every reporter you know, offering HARO as a solution to their query problems. Tell them it’s free. Tell them I’m nice. Tell them you’ve had other reporters use it with great success. Tell them you’re helping them out, don’t want anything from them, and are just doing it because you’re a decent human being.

Send reporters here: www.helpareporter.com/press

Send your publicist friends here: www.helpareporter.com

Look – I’ve even written the letter FOR you. Just cut and paste this. How much more brain-dead do you need it?

Help a Reporter Out helps editors and reporters locate authors and other subject area experts willing to be interviewed for articles, books, blogs, and podcasts. Once you register–for free–you will receive up to 3 e-mails a day, each containing up to 10 detailed queries from reporters looking for individuals willing to be interviewed.

If you’re a journalist looking for individuals to interview, visit the press page at www.helpareporter.com/press and submit your query. Your query will go out to over 10,000 publicists, small business owners, and other professionals and experts in all walks of life, increasing the chances of you finding that hard-to-find source pre-deadline.

If you’re a source, simply sign up for the 3x per day newsletter at www.helpareporter.com

Got any ideas yourself? Post them below!

-Peter