It came from a PR person who was pitching me a new product – A shirt. Yes, a shirt. Nothing special about the shirt, it was simply a new style from a new designer. But here’s what gets me: The subject line of the email was: “Hi! Can I borrow your audience?”

(Insert blogging-car-skidding-to-a-halt sound here…)

Can you borrow my… Hold up… WHAT?

Can you “BORROW MY AUDIENCE?”

Are you serious?

OK. Not even taking into account the fact that my audience… IS AN AUDIENCE, and not, say, A SPATULA, no, you can’t “borrow my audience.”

Let’s understand something – My audience is the most important thing to me in my world, next to my wife and cat. I’ve spent YEARS and YEARS cultivating my audience. I’ve spent countless nights figuring out what my audience wants, how they want it, and what they’re going to want next. I’d take a bullet for my audience.

Without my audience, I have no business, I have no revenue, I have nothing.

My audience is my life. And you want to come over and “borrow it?” I don’t know you! Why don’t l let  Michael Milken “borrow” my AmEx while I’m at it? I’m sure it’ll be fine.

You can’t borrow my audience – But you CAN build one of your own. Here’s how:

1) Understand that having an audience is a privilege, not a right. I say this all the time, and I’m saying it again – It’s like wearing spandex. That too, is a privilege, not a right. We’re born as free people with certain unalienable rights, but guess what – Having a bunch of people who will listen to you and buy from you is NOT one of them. You have to EARN that. Once you accept that you don’t just “get” an audience, like Jewish kids get a Bar-Mitzvah when they turn 13, the quicker you’ll start to understand how to get one.

2) An audience is built over time, and on one simple premise: Give them what they want. Audiences today are mobile. They can go anywhere, anytime, by clicking a mouse or scrolling off your site. Want them to listen to you, or even more, buy from you? Give them what they want, how they want it. They on Facebook? Reach out to them there. They like emailing you? Email them back. And for God’s sake, do it from an email that’s real – Like yours. Not “donotreply@I’manidiot.com”

3) How do you find out where the audience is? ASK THEM. You have their information! Try this! Go to your fan page and ask the question – “Hey – How do you like to be contacted by us when we have a special for you?” Then actually read the answers and act accordingly! This isn’t rocket science.

4) Have content that your audience actually WANTS. You know what would happen if I let every journalist “borrow” my audience to promote their crap? I wouldn’t have an audience! Why? Because audiences like people to STAY ON TOPIC. Imagine going to see Bon Jovi, and Jon Bon Jovi comes out and talks about tax shelters all night, and never plays “Living on a Prayer.” Not really what I paid for. Stay on topic – Had you, dear PR person, pitched me on topic about something relevant to my audience, I might have talked about it!

5) Finally, for all that’s good and holy, know what I talk about. That you pitched me on fashion is like pitching Britney Spears on child-safety. The simple act of knowing your audience will get you 5x the good attention you’d otherwise not get. Simply do some homework. There’s no excuse not to.

My audience? No. You can’t borrow it. Go get your own.

Assuming you want ALL THAT COVERAGE, as your boss has told you that you do, these are, without question, the top five ways to get it. Make sure you follow EVERY single rule here, and you’ll be well on your way to getting tons and tons of coverage!

1) Make sure to pitch completely and totally off-topic, with absolutely no regard to what the journalist covers. Hey, times are tight, right? They should be LOVING you for pitching them at all! They cover finance? Make sure to pitch them on a home entertainment system for 8-15 year olds. They’ll love you for it, and if they can’t use it, you know they’ll be happy to pitch it over to their friends who will write about it! Just make sure you put “and if you can’t use this, can you send it to the person at your outlet who can?” It’ll be the least they can do, they’ll be sure to help you out!

2) Don’t EVER believe the reporter when they tell you how they like to be contacted. They’re only doing that to TEST you! They say email? You say HOME PHONE! They say “No Attachments?” Please – You say “FIFTY MEGABYTE FILE TO THEIR BLACKBERRY!” Remember – They’re just testing you! They want to see how smart you are! Get around it!

3) FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP! You should start phoning the reporter (at home, preferably) no later than FORTY FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOUR INITIAL PITCH. Continue in two-hour increments, handing over the night-time duties to a subordinate – Remember – The squeaky wheel gets the grease – In this case, squeak every two hours until the reporter covers you.

4) If for some reason, the reporter has written a story about your industry and not included you, well… Let the mayhem begin! This reporter – Who does he think he is! Start with the angry emails – You’ve every right to get angry! Call him names – Best of all, threaten to go to his superior and threaten to pull all your client’s advertising from the media outlet. They’ll see the error of their ways RIGHT quick, and you’ll be in like Flynn! Don’t forget to cc your legal team, and say “our legal team is cc’d. We hope it doesn’t come to having to use them.” That’ll scare them right quick!

5) Finally, reporters LOVE a challenge – Make it TOTALLY difficult for reporters to find you – Don’t include your phone number OR a mobile phone. When you schedule interviews, make SURE to reschedule them at LEAST three times – Hey – The reporter has to understand that your client is a LOT busier than they are – They’re just going to have to rearrange their schedule for you – And they will – Remember – They want your story, and in the end, they work for You!

Just follow these five rules, and you’ll be rolling in story placements faster than you can say “PROMOTION!”

What other great ideas can you recommend that guarantee placement? Leave them below in the comments.

PS: If you’re really so stupid as to not realize this is complete and utter sarcasm, and you should NOT do anything listed above, close down your computer – You’re too stupid to be using the Internet.

Sitting outside the Huntington, LI Hilton, waiting to speak at the Long Island Public Relations Professionals breakfast this morning. “Breakfast” and “Driving to Long Island for” should never, ever be in the same sentence.

So this afternoon is the HARO “How to Pitch” Conference Call, at 2pm EST, 11am. We’ve got over 500 people registered, please join us, as well!

Tomorrow find me speaking at the Entrepreneurial Women’s Network in Norwalk, CT. Hey, it’s a great way to meet women! Kidding. That’ll be a fun lunch.

Of course, Thursday morning is the big one – my Keynote at the T3PR conference in Manhattan. Of course, I do notice that one of the key sponsors is PR Newswire. And I promise not to let that go unmentioned. :)

Just the week of Abstract Busy-ness.

Jenny Schmitt saw a pitch on HARO about fun father/daughter ideas that wouldn’t cause a “guy to get his guy card revoked.” Seeing that the reporter obviously had a sense of humor, Jenny crafted the perfect pitch, filling it with information, exactly what the reporter wanted, and topped it off with a touch of humor. I don’t know what the result is (Jenny, let us know!) but I just had to call this pitch out as one of the best I’ve seen in a while. Learn from this one, gang.

Here’s the query:

Summary: 5 Father/Daughter experiences

The goal is to deepen the father/daughter bond without being too girly.”

Now Jenny’s Pitch

Dear (Reporter’s name)

This is Jenny Schmitt and I work with Georgia State Parks (www.getoutdoorsgeorgia.org or www.georgiastateparks.org).  Dads can still “man up” and take their daughters on some amazing experiences in their own state parks.  Here in Georgia, men can bring their daughters to:
 
1) Tree-Climbing Clinics (technical tree climbing with ropes, helmets and that oh-so-comfy-for-guys harness)
2) Party with the Possum (night hikes with flashlights to see nocturnal animals)
3) Fort Days (cool cannon and musket firings, blacksmithing and lots of history lessons with a guided tour (Ga. has 18 historic sites and historic parks with LOTS of cannons))
4) For the eco-daughter a Leaf Watch Fall Hike (guided hike with a biologist/ecologist who shares the different trees, animals and the fun science behind fall colors)
5) Camping/fishing/boating/hiking and even golf at state parks (really, there is just about something for everyone, even those who hate bugs)
 
So Dad can keep his “Y” chromosome and still have a great time with his daughter. Cost: One time at a park $3-$5 admission, or buy an annual pass for $30 (most states it’s $30).  Cheap? You bet. Memorable? Absolutely.
 
Let me know if I can be of further help.  We’ve got photos aplenty and testimonials from Dad/daughter outings as well.
 
Be well,
Jenny Schmitt
(contact information)

Well done, Jenny. Take a bow.