I always wanted to be a cool boss. You know, the kind that everyone loves, the kind who works with the team, not just manages them. But I could never make that happen. Because in the end, I’ve always had one employee, and one employee only – And for as long as I can remember, that employee has flat out thought I’m an asshole. And you know what? He’s right. I am an asshole. I’m an asshole boss. Because I have to be.
I have to be an asshole boss, because if I’m not, my single employee will try and take advantage of me, and my company’s productivity will plummet. Less productivity = less work, less ideas, less revenue.
Why does employee me think I’m an asshole? Well, it’s obvious – I make my employee start working around 4am, sometimes earlier. I require absolute dedication, from both a professional and a personal side. I know my employee won’t work at his best if he doesn’t exercise, so I require my employee to work out at least once a day. Sometimes, I’ll see him fading, and make him work out a second time, just to stay sharp.
I force him to be in bed early most nights, so he can get a good start on the day the next morning. I make him miss parties, and I NEVER let him go out and drink. You might think I exert way too much control over my sole employee, and you’re right. But I don’t care.
I make my employee do the things he hates to do first thing, because I know that if I let him procrastinate, he’ll never do them, and things will slip through the cracks. My employee came to me the other day whining about how it was the holiday week and things were slow, and he wanted to just shut off his computer and go watch a movie.
“Not on my watch,” I told him. “You want to go watch a movie? Do it when there’s nothing else to do. Go on Christmas day, when everything is closed anyway. This week? Just because others aren’t working doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be!” And I was right! Forcing him to work that week brought in a huge new influencer contract, because the person he’d been trying to reach was also working that week, and was also less busy. He had more time to talk, and he nailed the contract.
I’m an asshole boss to my employee because, let’s face it, my employee occasionally wants to screw around and not get things done. I force my employee to follow structured SOPs, because if he doesn’t, things will go haywire and not get done. And you know who takes the blame for that? Not my employee. No. ME. I take the blame for that. I can’t blame him. I have to own his mistakes. So I put procedures into place to prevent him from making those mistakes in the first place.
My employee knew what he was getting into – And in the past, I used to turn a blind eye to his mistakes. “Oh,” I’d say… “We’ll fix that tomorrow, let’s head out of here and go relax.” I learned my lesson several years ago. Give your employee an inch, and he’ll take a mile. No more. If I want something done, I make damn sure my employee gets it done – the right way – the first time.
You too might think I’m an asshole boss, and you might not want to work for me. You’d be right. But I know my employee will never leave, no matter how much of an asshole boss I am, and let’s face it: I have to be an asshole boss. You know why?
I have to be an asshole boss because I work for myself. And if boss me isn’t an asshole, then employee me will do everything in his power to screw over boss me.
So yeah. I am an asshole of a boss. And my employee thinks so, too. But he’d never, ever want to work for anyone else.