[POST EDITED TO REMOVE OFFENDING COMPANY NAME - PER THE SURPRISINGLY WUSS-LIKE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY.]

“I made a G today
But you made it in a sleazy way, sellin’ crack to the kids
Well, I gotta get paid…” -2Pac, Changes

I was just propositioned for sex by a pimp. He came at me and offered me any girl in his stable, as long as I paid for it. He PROMISED me that she’d love me, and it WASN’T because I was paying for it! She’d really love me!

Technically, that’s not what happened, but it was something just as disgusting: I was emailed by a company offering me 21,000 new Twitter followers if I paid for them. Let’s not even get into the fact that the email started with “Increase Haro’s (misspelling his, not mine) Twitter Followers by 21,000!” He also suggested I could increase “Wallet share.” What the HELL is “wallet share?”

But wait – There’s more – According to their “About” page, (which is all in Flash, I might add,) THEY CREATED SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY. No, you can’t make this shit up. I mean, come on – It’s hard out there for a pimp.

“Me love you long time. Me so horny!”

Disgusting.

Below is the email. I post it as a warning: People: YOU CAN’T GET VALUE FROM BUYING FOLLOWERS OF ANY KIND. INSTEAD, POST INTERESTING THINGS, RETWEETABLE THINGS, THINGS THAT PEOPLE WANT TO SHARE! Do that, and you’ll build your follower base, your subscriber base, your fan base, and you’ll gather new followers who WANT to care about you, and WANT to buy what you’re selling. Are you getting followers any other way? Are you paying for them? I hope to God, for your sake, if nothing else, you’re using a condom.

Here we go – and hey, they’re quoting McKinsey – They must be awesome!)

Increase Haro’s Twitter followers by 40% in six months, increasing sales, revenue, and wallet share from your competitors!

With [NAME OF COMPANY REDACTED BECAUSE THEY ALREADY CONTACTED MY ATTORNEY AND I'VE NO DESIRE TO GET DRAWN INTO A $100,000 RETAINER WAR JUST TO PROVE I'M RIGHT AND THEY'RE NOT] you will get Haro [IT'S HARO - Not "Haro." If you're going to SPAM me, AT LEAST GET MY FREAKING COMPANY RIGHT, GENIUS] an additional 21,200 Twitter followers (a 40% increase) within six months – guaranteed. Our results are guaranteed to be real people, targeted based on YOUR specified demographics, driving web traffic, generating sales leads, and increasing brand awareness.

“$900 billion to $1.3 trillion in value is yet to be unlocked in social media and adoption of social technologies by consumers has grown faster than any previous technologies.” – McKinsey Global Institute, July 2012

Our clients spend only pennies to gain each follower, not $’s as with a “promoted account” on Twitter, or the in-house capital and operating costs associated with driving this type of labor intensive increase to gain a similar following.

Bottom line:  We will decrease your cost per follower budget, increase your reach, reach additional wallet share from your competitors, and help you mine new revenue streams for less than a “promoted account” on Twitter.

21,200 followers – a thirty minute investment… I am asking for an appointment over the next week to discuss how [COMPANY THAT SPAMMED ME] can effectively double or triple your current Social Media outreach targets, effect sales/revenue opportunities, and reach additional wallet share from your competitors.

When would be the most convenient time over the next week to discuss the value and benefits [COMPANY THAT SPAMMED ME] can add to your social media strategy, goals, objective, and results? Please expect a follow up in a few days with my calendar invite for a proposed time.

 

PS: I emailed back with “Are you high?” It’s been six hours and counting. Still listening, company? Want to write a rebuttal? I promise that if you do, and somehow try to justify trying to sell me followers, I’ll post the entire thing. You obviously know how to reach me. But for the love of God, I REALLY don’t recommend you try and contact me to “send me a calendar invite.”