You must’ve waited tables or worked a cash register at some point. :)

That’s how I learned the value of manners and courtesy. I’m always as polite as possible to everyone I meet, especially those who wait on me.

Would you, please, stop wishing for the Good Ol’ Days to come back? Thank you.

Actually, I’m with you on this one – I’m a big please/thank you guy. My thought on this is that, especially at airports, I’ve noticed that the employees are even more harried and surly than the passengers and customer service is WAY below civil.

The baggage-space thing: My question is Why are women always allowed to have THREE (or more) bags, when men are only allowed to have two? This all got worse when the airlines started charging for baggage of course.

Since you’re probably moderating comments, I’d ask you please do not delete this. Thank you.

Amen!

Thanks for this.

I think a big part of it is the mantra “the customer is always right”, as customers we love to believe it when it simply isn’t true.

I appreciated good service, and I think there’s a way to behave as a customer that makes good service more likely. It starts with good manners.

I could not agree MORE! Which is why after spending a few days with Chris Brogan earlier this year, I wrote this: http://bit.ly/cjHkxG

I don’t care how small and fast and neat technology gets. It will never replace the need for a “please” and a “thank you”. An hand-written thank you note will take you 10x further than the same note sent by e-mail. Technology will never, and should never, replace human interaction and human kindness.

Thanks for the post!

Thank you for writing this. I’ve wanted to write exactly this for many many years. From both a personal and business perspective the lack of manners in society makes me both angry and sad. Let’s all try and do our small part–like you said, it will be amazing the reactions you get.

This is an awesome post. It does make me sad when people forget what they learned in kindergarten. The nice thing about living in the south is that more often than not, people use their good manners. As I always say, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar!

I TOTALLY agree with this. My parents didn’t raise me with manners and my foster mom changed that when she got me, just by example. Some of my oldest sons first words were “please” and “thank you”. I always say “sir” or “ma’am”, even to children, because it shows you respect them and NOTICE them. I’ve had several people remember me just because I use exceptional manners. It’s always the little things that mean the most to people, manners and answering phones being the top on my list.

It’s what I call “Uncommon courtesy” and it’s what I speak out about all the time — it’s my entire business. About “Putting the ‘civil’ back into ‘civilization’”. Employer’s #1 complaint now about younger employees is that they lack the soft skill they need to succeed in the job marketplace and positive social skills are becoming a strategic differentiator in business. That’s actually the topic of my soon-to-be-released latest book (www.itsnotwhoyouknowitshowyoutreatthem.com)

Just basic civility, courtesy, and consideration is truly becoming a lost art, so I’m glad to see people like you, Peter, practicing this art on a daily basis! :-) You can also join the discussion on my blog at http://socialsmarts.wordpress......character/

Peter,
Have you read the book “Leadership and Self-Deception”? If not, I highly recommend it. But one thing that struck me about what you wrote (and what they talk about in this book) is that the reason people flock like crazed cattle in the first five minutes is because they’ve all got too much baggage. It’s interesting to see how choices that were made hours or maybe days before hand affected them AND those around them during those five minutes. A bit more thought put into their actions can go a long, long way.

Actually, David, I believe we’re IN the good old days right now. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Thanks for commenting.

Wow, Pete –

I was having just this conversation the other day with my husband after we’d held the door for some folks, who walked on through as if it was our job just to hold doors for them. Not a nod was given, nor a thank you or kiss my butt uttered.

Hand-in-hand with the simple act of saying ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ is excusing yourself when you reach or step in front of someone, or rudely shove past them in an aisle (it’s different if you’ve said excuse me and they ignore you). Sorry if I’m in your way.

You hit the nail on the head: I’m afraid a large portion of society’s just stopped caring.

Thanks for saying what many of us have been thinking for a while now.

I couldn’t agree more! I am noticing it regularly in emails and texts as well. Clients, vendors and blog readers don’t even start the message with a salutation. Just jump right into demanding what they need. No “thanks” at the end. And definitely no follow-up email of appreciation for the advice, guidance, information they abruptly ordered. I was telling my children (ages 11 and 8) about this post and it occurred to me that in school, manners are still somewhat expected/demanded of children by the teachers. Sadly, in the real world, when no one is there to correct or remind people, I guess it just get’s thrown out the window. No, it’s not about being in a hurry. It’s about being rude.
Thank you for such an important post. ;)

BRAVO!

Thank you for writing this. The breadth of ill manners amazes me daily. It’s not just restaurants and moving walkways. Driving — from people in the left lane and those doing dangerous things with mobile devices to the dozen dings and scratches in my car because people could not be bothered to open their doors carefully — is another area of ill manners. Gee, can’t you wait for a moment to let someone make a left instead of creating gridlock? (And, hey, second guy in line or making a left — why would you assume if I let the first guy in that you don’t need to pause to see if you should go also?) And what ever happened to acknowledging the other driver with a thank-you-for-yielding-to-me wave?

Talking of airports, I get nervous when the security staff says, ‘step over here,’ or, ‘take off your shoes,’ instead of, ‘please step over here,’ or, ‘please take off your shoes.’ At some airport screening facilities, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ seem to be part of training. At others, not so much. As you point out, Peter, it costs nothing. And to my mind it indicates someone’s running a tight ship.

In Canada where I live some may order food like that, but we’d consider it to be rude, typically we’re a little more courteous than our american neighbours.

words you might hear in a canadian line:
-how’s it goin?
-pardon me
-I’ll take a (whatever) please

Generally we keep some working manners that may not be the most formal ever, and you might hear a ‘please’ when you’re asking, but I think a ‘thank you’ is very common.

Traditionally when you ordered things at a restaurant it was phrased: What would you care for? to which you would answer: I’ll take a (whatever) thank you.

I loved this post – and agree completely. My philosophy in life has always been and will always be – treat people like I want to be treated – it is simple.

Best piece you’ve written, Peter.

John.

We’re living in an era of total self-absorbtion. I blame the helicopter parents who train their kids to believe that they are totally entitled and special when they are, in fact, very ordinary. And I have been upgraded for the same simple things- because I saw the person at the counter from their perspective instead of mine.

Hey Tom, I’m Canadian too (eh), and I beg to differ that we’re THAT much different from our southern neighbours. I see it day in, day out, everywhere I go. Of course, I don’t frequent fast-food establishments – maybe all the folks with a modicum of manners congregate there…:)

All I can say is “Amen!” I am, on a daily basis, appalled by the lack of common courtesy I encounter. Well put Peter.

Peter, Yesterday I noticed while having drinks Chris asked what our servers name was and she lit up. The rest of us joined in including you by using her name the rest of the time and she was instantly one of us. I’ve found it can quickly defuse a bad situation as well. There a great movie scene in You’ve Got Mail where Joe (Tom Hanks) uses a cashiers name and kindness to help Kathleen out of an embarrassing situation. I love the scene. We love hearing our name and having someone add please or thank you to our often rushed and harried day just icing on the cake.
It was a pleasure getting to know you. I can tell your mom taught you to be polite and kind because I was a witness to us several times.
Cheers,
John

You must have infiltrated my brain because I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing this morning. Not necessarily at Wendy’s but it’s a shame the lack of manners thing isn’t quarantined to fast food joints :(

As a recent transplant to Boston from Vancouver, I’ve noticed that Americans are fairly startled by my please/thank you/pardon me/no, you first/etc. habits — but honestly, I think my mother would swoop up behind me out of nowhere if she sensed I was being impolite, and smack me on the back of the head (gently and politely, mind you.)

We get caught up in our aggressive, competitive culture a little much at times, believing that the only way to get ahead/get what we want/get noticed/get results is to push hard, and take no prisoners.

But I find the people who are actually HAPPY — on top of being successful — mind their Ps and Qs all the way to the top.

Somewhere along the way, the exhibition of manners was mis-characterized as a sign of weakness, or of “lower station.”

They are simply a recognition of humanity.

Thanks for saying it, Peter. And thanks especially for LIVING it, which is even more important.

Good post.

@Worob
PR at Sunrise – worob.com

Well said Peter. I see and hear it everyday. It makes it hard to have faith in humanity, and it simply increases the challenge of teaching my kids manners. They see so many kids lacking manners or being rude, and often wonder why they should. Of course I’ve tried to instill good manners in them since they were just little ones and rarely does a day go by that they are not complimented for their behavioral and when it does happen I can see the pride in their eyes But, I often wonder if adults act this way, what will become of future generations.

It seems to be getting worse each day…sad just sad.

I believe manners went out the window with accountability in government. Been dead many years, I’m afraid.

I see this all the time too. Another thing I can’t stand is when in a crowded place, many young people won’t bother to get up from their seat to offer it to older people who are standing. My parents taught me to have manners and respect elders. When I show good manners toward others, I frequently get a very surprised reaction. That goes to show that they’re rarely shown. It’s sad. Thank you for the great post!

Thank you for this heartfelt post, Peter. You’ve earned a standing ovation today from me.

The world would be a much better place if a greater number of people followed the ‘golden rule.’ Simple.

P.S. I think we owe a debt of gratitude to your parents. Please thank them on our behalf.

I’ve recently noticed that when I say please and thank you and tell the folks behind the counter that they too should “have a nice day” they really do look surprised and delighted. I see now it’s because of the contrasting lack of civility by so many of the other customers. Very sad.

My pet peeves are basic manners, courtesy, and consideration. We get to focused on ourselves as some people noted her. I don’t know where I learned my manners. I grew up outside NYC cursing up a storm. But never felt entitled to abuse or use. Something changed in me many years ago to where I gave up most of the foul language and I became very polite (aside from my wiseacre sarcasm of wit I flex too often sometimes). And I treat everyone the same. I don’t care if your rich or homeless. I find it very important to let people know I care about them as humans. Positive energy can snowball just as much as negative.

Thoughtful post Peter. My pet peeves are basic manners, courtesy, and consideration. We get to focused on ourselves as some people noted her. I don’t know where I learned my manners. I grew up outside NYC cursing up a storm. But never felt entitled to abuse or use. Something changed in me many years ago to where I gave up most of the foul language and I became very polite (aside from my wiseacre sarcasm of wit I flex too often sometimes). And I treat everyone the same. I don’t care if your rich or homeless. I find it very important to let people know I care about them as humans.

Positive energy can snowball just as much as negative.

AMEN!!!

Thank you for posting this!

I complain on a daily basis the lack of etiquette and manners.(Everything from msn, skype, texting, et cetra). All whilst putting out into the world what I want in return no matter how slack the other parties are.

Hey Tom – I too am Canadian and find regardless where you’re from, anyone treated with respect and courtsey, they will return it in most cases.

As the comment before me, Ike wrote – Thanks for saying it Peter, and living it.
xo

I totally agree, and want to add that the polite response to “Thank You” is *not* “You’ve got it” or “No problem.” C’mon, it’s not so hard to say, “You’re welcome.”

My last flight to DC I sat by a man who also reminded me of the lack of manners and respect we have towards others .it also made me realize why so many kids and teens lack in the manner department as well as respect.

Back to the basics of Kinder is what we need

Thank you so much for this! Society seems to have forgotten the art of being polite! When I first became a Certified Business Etiquette Consultant in my community people either thought it was such a unique business concept or they thought that there was not enough of a business market to run my business with. Clearly, etiquette should “not” be considered unique but a “must” for maintaining good relations with everyone and that there has to be “belief” that being conscious and applying manners really creates a much more comfortable environment for everyone. People these days can easily point out the rudeness of other people around them, but they seem to not be able to be conscious of their own actions. Do not underestimate the power of being polite!

Thanks for bringing this to light. I’m in 100% agreement with you. Maybe because I grew up in the South and I was tought manners from an early age, but it is sad to see how few polite people are around today. It’s also sad to see how this lack of manners is translating to the children of the mannerless society we live in. The children who run rampant in restaurants, screaming out and bothering others. The children who speak to adults like they’re equal. Strange. I have young children and I’m going to do my best to instill the same manners I was brought up with. They may get funny looks from some, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I used to travel a lot. I don’t so much anymore but I always say please and thank you especially when at restaurants. Even if my day sucked and the demonstrations went bad I would always be as pleasant as possible to my server. It burns me up seeing how some people never even think to say thank you. Heck, my wife still hand writes thoughtful thank you notes. She’s a better person than me. Of course if I hand wrote thank you notes people would have seizures trying to read the chicken scratch that is my handwriting.

It’s been dying for years though Peter. When I moved to the US from the UK when I was a kid I was completely scandalized that the kids didn’t say please and thank you in the lunch line. My Mum says it was the first thing all 4 of us mentioned when we got home after that first day. It comes down to the Parents – PLEASE teach your kids that they aren’t the center of the Universe. It will only hurt them later in life. And Meg – I don’t doubt that wherever I am in the world my Mum is totally capable of sneaking up behind me and giving me a smack in the head :-)

I’m completely with you on this. I am happy to report that chivalry is not dead. My hubby still stands up at the table when one of the women gets up and stands up again when she returns until she is seated. Needless to say, his impeccable manners have served him well in all aspects of life. After 22 years of marriage, his attention to good manners have rubbed off on our whole family. The only curse is when we’re out in the real world interacting with all of those people who don’t live up to our standards it drives us crazy.

LOVE THIS POST! We are quickly moving away from civilization as we have known it. Basic courtesy is important as well as the thought of gratitude behind the words

Wow! My sentiments exactly. I was on my cell phone in a store recently, and just as I approached the checkout counter, I told the person I was speaking with that I had to hang up because I was checking out. The young cashier’s face lit up as I put my phone away. She thanked me profusely for being polite (her words) and proceeded to ring me up and give me 20% off of my purchase. You’re right Peter. Being well mannered pays off. Thanks to my parents for bringing me up correctly. Thank you to you for reminding everyone how easy it is to make someone’s day.

You’re welcome.

I particularly like the point Cynthia Smoot made (comment #5) about a hand written note. It only takes a few minutes and makes such a big impression. How nice to get something other than advertisements & bills in the mail, right?

I caught myself in a hurry the other day, my mind going 100 different directions, and realized I hadn’t made eye contact or really acknowledged a cashier all day. It was a humbling experience to realize it’s so easy to let manners slip. You never know how your one kind word or acknowledgment might spread.

I see many poor manners in busy public places, but in my small beach town of San Clemente, California, most people are happy. And when people are happy, they tend to be polite and thoughtful. You rarely see road rage here – instead you see people slowing down to let a car in front of them. The teachers at my son’s school are loving. The guys that work in the post office always call me by name. So maybe it’s the WHERE more than the WHO. Just a thought…

Peter- I agree with this post 100%. As a matter of fact, the Columbus Dispatch did an article for Mother’s Day on the best advice Mom ever gave us and I was fortunate enough to get mine published and I am sure it is because the advice is so simple, everyone can follow it! What was Mom’s best advice? KILL ‘EM WITH KINDNESS!!!! It works everytime. And I will tell you from years of experience in the hospitality field that the people who came in demanding they get an upgrade never got one from me, but if they asked nicely and treated me like a human being, I was more than happy to help them out. KILL ‘EM WITH KINDNESS- try it- it works!!!!!!! :)

Manners are one of the few things that separate us from less developed animals…it is so easy to forge connection, make someone’s day a bit brighter than it may have been, bring out your “human” when good manners and etiquette reign. Manners are not good ol’ days…they rock in every era.

Peter,

I had a chance to read your post today after traveling all weekend. Needless to say, I couldn’t agree with you more and have found myself observing, thinking, saying and doing many of the things you mentioned in your post. I live by the same principles and find it amazing when people look at you like you’re crazy when you say please and thank you.

That said, you inspired my most recent post for our business blog (http://wp.me/pGYV4-ct) and I wanted you to know I gave credit where credit is due.

Thank you for putting the discussion of basic human decency and manners back on the table in what is quickly becoming (for better or for worse) a “twitterific” world we live in!

Much appreciated!

- Wesley Mallette

Ah, ha! There are more people out there with manners! Thank God. I was beginning to think you had all died out and left me to deal with the ‘Others’ by my Own self. When I get one of those particularly awful days when everyone seems so nasty, I sometimes ‘give up’….and that is where I start saying “You’re welcome.” even though the other guy never said ‘Thank You’, nor intended to ever say that. The looks I get are priceless, and help me put up with the trolls….with a smile. Good post!
‘

It is nice to know I am not one of the only people who notices a complete lack of anything resembling courtesy or grace in American society. What happened to us?

Almost every single time I go somewhere that has legions of people, especially shoppers, I am constantly run into and run over. People come at me like heat-seeking missiles. I try to step over a bit to the left and they correct course – straight for me. THEN, they run into me and look at me as if I just appeared out of the ether. WTF? My favorite times are those when they run into me, I say,”Oh, excuse me” in as pleasant a tone as I can muster, and they look at me like I just stole their wallet.

ENOUGH!

Courtesy costs nothing but everyone pays for rudeness.

BTW I am 6 foot, 230lbs, so I am sure they can see me as they are hurtling towards me in their mad dash to get to whatever sale is about to expire in the next 30 seconds.

Great observations. Just a few thoughts of my own hear if you don’t mind. It’s funny you mention cavemen. Recently it was revealed that most of humanity is part Neanderthal. I’ve commented on the implications at my ‘sister’ blog -immaculatelystoned.
Personally, i believe that part of the problem is the fact that most of you believe that a man can be a god. Since you think a man can be a god, it would be safe to assume that some of you believe that you are a god also. Since you believe that a man can be a god, and have projected this possibility onto yourself – it’s easy to believe that you don’t have to be nice to anybody. Hey, you’re in charge and nobody can get in your way.

The truth of the matter is quite different though. The only thing any of us are in charge of is our conceptual reality and our physical reality and only in this moment. In this manner we are all exactly identical, and therefore we are all in this together.
As you have discovered, when you act accordingly in the moment, the following moment will happen at your pleasure, and what happens will please you. You then have a fond memory of that moment. String along enough of these moments, and you too will be a pleasant person to be around.

Thank you! Thank you for saying something important and proving that having manners and being polite isn’t “the cranky old man’s rant”, but something we all need to think about.

Amen. Refreshing story: Flew Southwest Airlines this week, and a steward thanked me for thanking him. True. Love them just for that (and their sense of humor). -Carolyn

Peter, this post makes me like you even more than I already did (that, and the fact that you’re the Mayor of the New York Cat Hospital!)! Although I write on my blog primarily about media, marketing, and other related topics, I frequently find myself going back to issues of etiquette. How we treat people and how that has a ripple affect on society. Basic manners are so important, but are becoming a casualty of our rapidly changing world.

One book I really like and would recommend to you is The Good Citizen’s Handbook: A Guide to Proper Behavior by Jennifer McKnight-Trontz. It’s an old-fashioned looking book about how kids should act so they can grow up to be good citizens. Personally, I think every adult should have to read it once a year!

-Amber @wordsdonewrite

Bemoaning the lack of manners, and urging us to remember them, was good. But pointing out that doing so is an easy way to stand out in the world, that was brilliant. Thank you!

THANK you for this. I have made a point to never, ever say “gimme….”. I use proper grammar and thank you’s and have taught my 14 year old son that as well. I made him order himself since he was 6 yrs old.

This type of non-manners drives me crazy!

Maybe its because I am in my mid twenties, but I’m gonna defend the people out there who say Gimme. Times have changed, and words change. Gimme being substituted for Please isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People are reluctant to change because they think there way is the right way, just like how saying please is the right way and there cant be another way. I graduated from college, and am educated. I think that once you start thinking that Please is the only manners that we can ever have, your being very closed minded and not opening yourself up to change.

Thanks for bringing this up :) Times are changing, people tend to forget the simple things these days.

I wish for a return of politeness. One step further: services people do not respond with a thank you after you have purchased their product or service. PSSST!. We are the people that pay your salary and a thank you may mean that we will return for your services again. Also, what ever happened to phone courtesy. When a person is called and you have completed your conversation, a simple “thanks” means that you are finished with your conversation. Too many times there is dead space before a caller hangs up.

THANK YOU

So true….and whatever happened to the handwritten thank you notes? I am really tired of sending graduation cards with money, wedding and baby shower gifts, etc. and not receiving a thank you. It makes a person appear to be ungrateful and entitled to the gift. Maddening!!!!