PETER SHANKMAN

Why Being Told “No” is Actually the Greatest Motivator

Greetings from Dubai, on a gorgeous, sun-drenched day by the pool. (Don’t get all pissed off, by the time you read this, my ass will back in NYC cold.) This blog post will take a bit of reading, as there’s a backstory, but the lessons should be worth it. Keep reading.

As is known the world over, Dubai is famous for excess. Everything here is in excess. The buildings have to be the tallest in the world. The cars have to be the most expensive. There’s even competition for who can have the license plate with the lowest number.

Sadly, not me.

Nothing in this city of excess is immune from it, including the extreme sports community. Where most cities are lucky if they have one skydiving drop zone, Dubai has two. Skydive Dubai, and Skydive Dubai, Desert Campus. The former is the one that gets all the glory, as it’s right on the water, has the beauty of the Dubai skyline behind it, and if you’ve ever visited and done a tandem jump, this drop zone is where you’ve done it.

Skydive Dubai Desert Campus is kind of like the awesome little brother who has been cursed with the even more  awesome older brother. On its own, it’s a truly amazing drop zone. It’s in the middle of the desert, with tons of landing space, beautiful greenery, and two fast-as-hell planes to take you to jump altitude in a matter of minutes. It has super-nice people, and gorgeous, unobstructed 360-degree desert views. But put the two in comparison, and Desert Campus is unfortunately, the younger, slightly less awesome brother.

Here’s where it gets interesting: Any licensed skydiver with the proper certification can show up at Desert Campus and make a jump, as I did yesterday. Until the winds kicked up and grounded me after one jump, I had an amazing time. As you can see below, the jump was killer, the skies perfect, and the air warm. Even the sand was the softest I’ve ever felt. Lovely, lovely jump.

First Visit to Skydive Dubai from Peter Shankman on Vimeo.

This morning, I went over to Skydive Dubai’s main drop zone, since it’s only about a mile or so from my hotel. I wanted to see it in person, even though I knew I wasn’t going to be able to jump, because the main campus has a 500 jump/D license restriction. (For reference, I have about 340 jumps and a “B” license.) This restriction is in place for a number of reasons, most notably that the drop zone is surrounded by water, and if you screw up your landing, you’re going in the drink.

As I watched skydiver after skydiver swoop in, hit their marks with extreme accuracy, I could only imagine the views they’d seen on the way down – Palm Island, the amazing skyline, the ocean… And… And it killed me. Massive frustration set in, because I knew I couldn’t join them. I wasn’t allowed (yet.) I was told “no.”

Ask the majority of entrepreneurs who’ve started something of value – Chances are, we’d all tell you that at some point, we start doing what we’re doing because someone told us we couldn’t.

“Keep off the grass? Let’s play soccer.” Tommy Five-Tone (Danny Aiello) Hudson Hawk

Here are some ways to gain strength from “No.” To use it to your advantage, to help you grow.

1) With the exception of sexual situations, “No” is NOTHING MORE than just a slight delay towards Yes. There’s always a yes available. ALWAYS. Your job isn’t to pout about the no, but figure out what you need to do to get to yes.

2) Rarely does “no” mean a flat out “no.” There’s almost always a reason (or multiple reasons) behind the “no” Your job is to figure out what they are, and then, methodically knock them down, one by one. Once all the reasons for no are eliminated, the no becomes a “yes.”

3) More often than not, the reason behind the no is not only fixable, but could have been eliminated long before you got to it. In the above example, I knew damn well about the 500 jump/D license minimum. Could I have gotten to 500 jumps? Of course I could have, but I chose to do other things. (Like start HARO.) And that’s fine. No one will say you were wrong for choosing the path you chose, but if you want something that doesn’t fit into that path, something needs to change. I started jumping with my friend Francesco back in 2005, we met in our ground school class. He’s now got over 2,000 jumps, and I’m at my piddly 340. We chose different paths. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless my “no” is a direct result of it. And in this case, it is, so it’s up to me to get that no to yes by making some changes. In this case, getting better at the sport and improving enough to get to my D license. Understanding the potential obstacles that will lead you to a “no” lets you overcome them so you get to a “yes,” instead.

4) You mad, bro? Build on that. Pissed off that you got a no? Embrace that anger. Use it as fuel. Let it light the way towards removing the “nos” and getting to the “yesses.” That anger has fueled more people to greatness, more companies to profitability, and more failures to successes than anything else except hard work. Embrace the anger, grow from it, and turn the nos into yesses.

End result: A no, from time to time, is beneficial. It helps you grow. It makes your yesses more obtainable, and just that much more sweet.

Did I miss any other ways to get from no to yes? Let’s hear it. Post in the comments below, and as always, thanks for reading. I’m off to work on my landing accuracy.

 

  • GabrielleNYC

    No has never been the worst thing to hear or answer to a question – Never trying or asking is the worst, IMHO. Nice blog Peter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503189117 Anne Shelander Easterling

    As you noted in the excellent post about getting to the airport to early, another way to get from “no” to “yes” is by being polite and kind. Not always, but sometimes. “Sometimes” applies when the “no” rule was created to deal with rude, selfish people. And there are more of those rules out there than many of us realize.

    BTW, your piddly 340 jumps far exceeds my one jump — a static-line jump from a C-47 more than 30 years ago. But rather than getting frustrated that jumping didn’t become a lifelong hobby (which I truly hoped it would), I still draw strength from that one jump. After all, if I can jump out of perfectly good airplane, I can do anything.

  • shankman

    Thanks, Anne. And hey, I STILL want to do a static line one day! :)

  • Dan Rosenbaum

    The worst answer isn’t a “No.” The worst answer is a no answer, because it’s a total lack of feedback. Nothing to improve on, no pushback. Just … void. I’d rather hear No than not hear anything at all — and will frequently push until I get it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/maggie.barnes.969 Maggie Barnes

    “No” also tells you a lot about the person or organization that uttered it. Is what you asked for really out of reach or is it just the fact that it is YOU asking for it? “No” helps me identify my opposing blocker – not always as enemies, though sometimes – but it is another GPS pin in the map for the group they are speaking for.

  • http://profiles.google.com/leahgraves14 Leah Graves

    My employer has different sets of rules for different people. For example, I’m one of the few that gets to travel for my job. However, I’m in a cluster of people that simply is not allowed to EVER work from home. To make up for that I do have a boss that allows me to take time off when I need it. I also can work from home if it is a day I’m traveling. So there’s a balance. I just know from 3 years at this job that sometimes NO is sticking for as long as you are in a particular position. Great post, Skydiver!

  • David

    Don’t worry Anne, Shanks 340 gets dwarfed by my 5000. But he says in the door the same way we all should, no matter the numbers, “Life doesn’t suck.”

  • joseph

    Our gave me goose bumps just watching, I’d love to jump that way. marketing multinivel

  • http://stanfaryna.wordpress.com Stan Faryna

    I enjoyed your thoughts on the little NO. As you suggest, a little NO can be permission to do better, be better, and better understand the full context of the success for which we seek. And there’s nothing wrong with upping our game, skills and knowledge.

    My response to a recent NO is here:
    The Corsair: Whovian Fan Fiction, American-Gangnam style
    http://stanfaryna.wordpress.co.....n-fiction/

  • Katherine Rogers

    As a child, being told “no” was probably one of the worst
    responses I could hear. It did not matter if it came from my parents, friends,
    siblings or teachers. The word “no” is not something I was never excited to
    hear come from someone’s mouth. People don’t like to hear the word because it
    is defined negatively in most situations. No means no. It’s as simple as that.
    It means you cannot do something, you aren’t allowed to do something or maybe
    you aren’t even fit for the task that you are requesting. As I have matured and
    worked my way through school and now into my final years of undergrad, I have
    come to find that exactly what you have pointed out in this blog is true. “No”
    is not all that bad. I have to admit; sometimes I enjoy hearing the word. Being
    told no gives me the opportunity as a student to take a step back. It gives me
    the opportunity to discover where I can improve and where I am succeeding. I
    honestly believe that my experiences as a student have given me a more positive
    outlook on being told “no.” I am one to push myself until I can make something
    absolutely perfect. But, as we all know, no one is perfect. Learning to accept
    “no” as a positive response has taught me that I may not be perfect the first
    time around, but that there is always an opportunity to stop and learn what I
    can do to reach that “almost-perfect” result.

  • Katie Ryan

    I completely agree with this
    blog entry. Through out my short 21 years I’ve had many people doubt me or tell
    me I wasn’t capable of accomplishing something. I’m not strong or fast enough,
    you’re not smart enough, and only boys can do that… As soon as I heard that
    phrase “No, you can’t do that” my mind is made up. I will do anything and
    everything to do exactly what that person or people think I can’t. I would like
    to assume that I will continue this way of thinking as I get older and
    confronted with more doubtful people. I think hearing the words no is one of
    the best motivators. Proving people wrong is a great feeling especially when
    you are proving your own skills.

  • lori clabaugh

    I was told “no”.
    After this accident you can’t do martial arts ever again and you might start looking into getting a cane and becoming comfortable with the idea of having a wheelchair around.
    So I said “No” back! actually, I kinda screamed it out with every repetition of physical therapy and stretch. I went back to my doctor years later and showed him what a change I had made. I was actually healthier than I had been before the accident. I rebuilt my body with kung fu. More flexibility, more stamina.
    I asked him why he didn’t tell me that I could do this.
    He said, “Because nobody ever has”.

  • Allie Goatley

    I like your view that being told no can be used in a positive way to help motivate you. I know that being a university student I am told no a lot, whether it be from my parents, professors, or even from other students. It sometimes causes me to be unmotivated about my school work and my future, but then I remind myself that proving to someone that I can do something they said no to is worth it in the end. I think sometimes people tell us no not because we don’t deserve something, but because they know that we can do better than we have been and they want us to give our all to get a yes. After I graduate from college I’m sure I will encounter being told no on multiple occasions but I will remind myself that no is just a delay towards a yes. It’s reassuring to hear that someone so far into their career has been told no various times and used it as a building block to work his way up to a yes. I also like your explanation of the end result of hearing no. It really is beneficial to hear it from time to time and makes finally hearing yes feel like a great accomplishment.

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