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I woke up this morning, my first night home after a very successful South by Southwest, to a hungry cat at 5:30am. I was exhausted, and pushed her away. Turns out, she wasn’t so much hungry, as she was trying to inform me of a shitstorm brewing in the comments section of a well-written blog post, about how there were way too many douchebags at an otherwise excellent conference. She’s a very smart cat.
The short story – A blog post was posted about someone at a party who yelled at a volunteer. It wasn’t me. However, under the influence of too much tequila, I posted a comment on Twitter inside the TechKaraoke party that was taken totally out of context. I was talking about Karaoke, and from the comment, it was inferred that I was slinging some power to be let into a party. People put two and two together, and assumed it was me. For the record: It wasn’t. I have countless people (both old friends and new friends) who were there and have already set the record straight. I’ve also talked via telephone to the party organizer, Jen Wojcik, and we’ve resolved the case of mistaken identity. I’m a huge fan of her events, but more importantly, I don’t talk down to ANYONE, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing, be it at a party, or the local bodega. That’s simply not me. This paragraph had to be written to give this blog post some context, but this blog post isn’t about me, or what I did or didn’t do.
Please note: Any suggestions I offer in this blog post are directed to anyone who feels they’re worth adopting, INCLUDING ME. I’m calling myself out here too.
Here’s the deal guys. At the end of the day, life comes down to RESPECT. That’s it. Life comes down to respect. I don’t care how big you think you are, or how many “Successes” you’ve had. If you’re not respectful, you won’t be long for this world.
My mom and dad were teachers all their lives, in the working class of New York City. And they taught me respect. They taught me, most importantly, to never forget where I came from. And I hope that I’ve shown them respect by trying to live by that creed. Do I fail occasionally? Hells to the yes. We all do. But it’s bigger than that.
NONE OF US ARE EVER SO IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK DOWN TO THOSE WHO WE FEEL ARE NOT.
The gist of Thomas Myerman’s blog post was thus: This small event, South by Southwest, has, in a way, become the victim of its own success. When people like Ashton Kutcher show up and ride the Zappos happiness bus, it’s no surprise that the douchebags of the industry will show up, also. Not calling Ashton a douchebag by any means, just making a point.
Myerman simply stated that way too many people showed up at South by Southwest, believing their own hype. As such, this year’s event had several “bad moments,” far more than any other SXSW in previous years.
And he’s right.
Ladies and Gentlemen of my industry: I propose a credo: “WE ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT AS WE THINK WE ARE.”
Say it with me.
There is NEVER any excuse for talking down to a volunteer, raising your voice, or putting on airs about how great you are – EVER. Let’s fact it – Doing it at the door of a party won’t help you anyway, because chances are, the person working the door is a volunteer who has never heard of your ego-inflated ass. And yes, your ass looks fat in that ego. There. I said it.
If we want to continue to be taken seriously as an industry, we need to remember that we’re not rock stars. We’re not playing sold out stadiums, and we’re most certainly not curing diseases, or helping mal-nourished kids get food or get healthy by writing a fucking treastise on how you can market your brand better by using FourSquare.
We need to step back and realize this. All of us, some to more of an extent than others. And yes, from time to time, that includes me. And chances are, from time to time, that includes you.
I, for one, don’t want to see South by Southwest turn into a conference no one wants to attend because all the assholes attend it. I saw this happen in 2000 at another massive conference that started out small, at a little hotel in mid-town Manhattan in the mid-90s. By the time it took over the entire LA Convention Center in 2001, it was painful to attend. We can’t let this happen. I for one, will go on record and attempt to do my part to MAKE SURE this doesn’t happen.
I built HARO on a foundation of helping people. In the process, it turned into a good company, a solid company that generates decent revenue. But the core has stayed intact – We, as leaders in the social media space, or hell, even as just users of the tools, need to take a more proactive approach to helping people, and a less active approach to making sure people know who we are.
Because if we continue with the latter, everyone will know who we are – And they’ll go out of our way to avoid us. We can’t let that happen because we our egos have clouded our vision. Our actions, and how they serve other people, are a billion times more important than how we come across. Because if our actions don’t help to serve the greater good, we’ll come across like assholes. We need to remember this.
I’m not going to censor any comments left here. I’ll approve them all, good or bad. Want to say something? Say it below.
PS: Heather Whaling wrote a similar piece yesterday – Worth the read.
Posted on March 17th, 2010 11:50 am with 42 Comments »
Filed under Celebrity Conferences/Trade Shows/Summits Crisis Management Help A Reporter Out (HARO) Industry Marketing Networking/Social Networking Party Report Personal Promotion Rumor Self Promotion Social Media Trade Shows and Conferences Viral Marketing Web/Tech Weblogs
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Whenever I talk to other CEOs or other people in industry who have “made it big,” one of the things I always ask is if they’re thought of as a “nice guy” – by their friends, employees, competitors, clients, etc.
The CEOs usually launch into a litany of reasons why they’re “nice guys.” They donate to charities, they sit on the boards of non-profits, they help raise awareness of critical issues, and so on. But in answering my question like that, they’re avoiding my question. In the end, if I press them, some of them say that no, people don’t think they’re “nice guys.” Instead, the words that usually come up are “feared,” “assh***,” and the like.
Their reasoning? They believe that if they’re seen as a nice guy, that’s a sign of weakness, which will negatively impact them, their company, their bottom line.
They have a point – but only partially.
The problem isn’t them – it’s society. We’re conditioned to believe since birth, that “nice guys finish last.” “Be harder, play stronger, take no prisoners!” is the attitude instilled into many of us at birth.
And to a degree, that’s useful advice. If a lion in the wild is “nice,” she’ll be killed. If she’s mean and aggressive, she’ll kill, and provide food for her, and for her family.
And you see that in countless books – telling us to think like lions, teaching us how to hunt our prey, attack the weaker, never show any weakness.
I can haz you as snack?
But there’s one fundamental flaw with that logic. We’re being told that we should think like animals, animals that don’t have the capacity to reason.
That’s what differentiates us from the animals. We can reason. And reasoning can help us to be even more successful.
HARO, by the very nature of what it is, started out as a platform to help people. It started out on Facebook, where I would forward requests from my friends in media, to my friends in PR. That’s it. I did it to be a nice guy, sure. But there was more – I reasoned (and quite logically) that if I was thought of as that conduit, both reporters and sources would want to use me for that – thereby putting me right smack in the middle on the flow of information.
And it worked.
At the end of the day, being “a nice guy,” when well thought out, can propel you into the stratosphere of success, and you don’t have to be “the assh***” to get there.
I always take the first meeting, I always answer the first email. I like to help people. I like to connect people. It’s my nature. It’s in my DNA. It’s not in my DNA to tell people to go F themselves. It’s just not who I am.
Therein lies a problem, though. To some people, my “nice guy” mentality projects weakness. It projects a “I can walk all over him, he’s too nice to fight back” train of thought.
I can see how – If you grow up with the mantra of “the weak are eliminated,” then you surround yourself with people who only have one goal: them. They’ll do anything in their power to win, anything to stop everyone else. So yeah, if you grow up with that, or subscribe to that, of course you’re going to see my “nice guy” mentality as “weakness.”
The problem though, is that if you think along those lines about me, you’re 100% wrong. And that’s a mistake that can kill you.
To a smart person, the chasm between “nice guy” and “weakness” is like the difference between Albert Einstein and Tila Tequila. One in no way is the other.
I’m a nice guy. But I’m the furthest thing from weak you’ll ever see.
At the end of the day, the smart “nice guys” tend to have more “lion traits” than the ones who try and emulate the lion. Why? Because we have to. There’s always someone trying to take advantage of us.
Fact is, I am a nice guy. Want some help? Email me – if I can, I’m happy to. Nicole Jordan wrote a spectacular piece the other day about people who ask to “pick your brain,” and how to deal with them. She’s right. Don’t give it away for free. But if I can offer a piece of advice, I’m the first one to help if you ask.
But – never, ever confuse that for weakness.
Because what you don’t see, what I rarely have to bring out because I am nice, is my teeth. I have sharper teeth than you. “Nice guys” usually do. My fangs can cut through you like a hot knife through butter, and if provoked to that point, I won’t even try to staunch your bleeding. The difference between me and the “take no prisoners” guys, however, is that to me, my fangs are a last resort, not a first line of fight.
And any last resort is the one with the most power behind it. It’s a last resort. That’s the point.
If I’m threatened, if I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, or if I feel like someone is trying to use my “nice guy” attitude to take what is mine, I’ll come down on you so hard, you’ll think you just got struck by a freight liner. Why? Because you didn’t expect it. You assumed “Oh, he’s nice, he won’t try and fight.” You’re wrong.
Remember – I’m the kid that got made fun of growing up for simply being Jewish and fat. And after a while, all that rage I felt built up, and exited my body one day in a dead-on, 100% accurate punch to the left eye socket of a junior high school bully. And the entire school learned that day that they’d confused “nice” with “weak.” And I guarantee you, they never made that mistake again.
I have the sharpest team of lawyers, advisors, and counsel that you never, ever want to meet. And the funny thing, is that most successful “nice guys” I know do too. Why don’t you know it? Because we rarely have to bring them out. We run our lives in such a way, that they rarely have to show their faces.
Until they do. And by that time, well, chances are, it’s way too late for you to do anything about it. You had your chance. You underestimated. And it’s a hard lesson to learn.
You know, it’s funny – one of the greatest military strategy books EVER, is called The Art of War, by Sun Tzu. But what’s ironic, is that the reason Sun Tzu was such a great military strategist was because he encouraged never fighting unless absolutely necessary. Rather, he chose every other method first:
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate.
I’m never going to stop being nice. It’s who I am. Thank my parents. I enjoy living my life this way, I believe it’s karmically good, and I encourage you to try it, as well – But don’t ever, not even for a second, confuse my niceness with weakness. It will cost you. Severely.
I’d like your thoughts on this, as always. Post away below.
Posted on March 1st, 2010 2:04 pm with 75 Comments »
Filed under Industry Not Necessarily PR Personal Self Promotion
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